Saturday, August 23, 2003
Could I ever mother a child? I relish the prospect of raising another, cherishing their every movement and watching them constantly changing, developing and revising their identity as they grow older. However, Im unsure whether I would want to invest the rest of my life into the life of another for that is what I would be resigning myself to. Once a child is born, they will remain in your life, which is both a glorious and fascinating prospect but to me also seems daunting. Perhaps I am selfish to desire a life with no dependants but to be a mother I need a life partner to father the child and I cannot see myself happy in a monogamous long term relationship so it seems my fate is sealed.
My parents did a wonderful job with me and I cannot see myself as acheiving as a parent like they have. Im not stating that in an egotistical manner that refers to myself, the outcome of their parentage, as wonderful [although I am wonderful and can see how that reflects well on them!] but am refering to the childhood that I was provided with. I do have a memory like a sieve as my mother often tells me when I've forgotton to do the things she's asked such as water the plants which results in her snarling 'plant killer' at me and therefore making me cry for I do not want to kill any other living thing and hate to be responsible for such a horrible act which she is fuly aware of as she highlights my selfishness in a heart rendering way but I do remember that I was always happy. I was never subjected to violence and threats yet was always courteous and polite, well manered but happy but I don't think I could manage to provide the same conditions as my parents created for my children. Im too selfish and irritable but somehow make a joly good babysitter.
Sometimes, especialy when I read back over waht I have written, I feel I am a parody of myself. Im sorry.
In other news I once again worked for 7 days without a day off but managed to meet friends and attend places of entertainment on 5 occasions. Ive always said I'd make a great superhero. Pity my cape's a bit too small. Oh well.
I can't wait for my trip around the world. Days of amazement will soon be here. In the meantime I will reflect upon the beauty that is the human body. We are meerly machines that are catalysts of shit. Amazing.
My parents did a wonderful job with me and I cannot see myself as acheiving as a parent like they have. Im not stating that in an egotistical manner that refers to myself, the outcome of their parentage, as wonderful [although I am wonderful and can see how that reflects well on them!] but am refering to the childhood that I was provided with. I do have a memory like a sieve as my mother often tells me when I've forgotton to do the things she's asked such as water the plants which results in her snarling 'plant killer' at me and therefore making me cry for I do not want to kill any other living thing and hate to be responsible for such a horrible act which she is fuly aware of as she highlights my selfishness in a heart rendering way but I do remember that I was always happy. I was never subjected to violence and threats yet was always courteous and polite, well manered but happy but I don't think I could manage to provide the same conditions as my parents created for my children. Im too selfish and irritable but somehow make a joly good babysitter.
Sometimes, especialy when I read back over waht I have written, I feel I am a parody of myself. Im sorry.
In other news I once again worked for 7 days without a day off but managed to meet friends and attend places of entertainment on 5 occasions. Ive always said I'd make a great superhero. Pity my cape's a bit too small. Oh well.
I can't wait for my trip around the world. Days of amazement will soon be here. In the meantime I will reflect upon the beauty that is the human body. We are meerly machines that are catalysts of shit. Amazing.
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