Monday, January 26, 2004
Ok so I havn't updated this for a while, I've kinda bin puttin it off. You see, I'm leavin soon and the thought of it is so uncomprehensible that i couldn't even pretend to eagerly anticipate my adventures cos I don't even know if I wanna go anymore. It doesn't feel like it's happening to me so I can't enjoy the excitement.
It's as if I'm the Virgin Mary after she'd found out she was preggers. Told by an Angel for God's sake [the pun was spontaneously intentional, boyo boy will you miss my wit].
Anyway, I've spent the weekend openly resently my family, detached from their henpicking but not enough to shower thme with words or irritation and anger. I even feel detached from myself. I may be leaving everyone but it feels as if their doing the opposite and have chosen to live life without me. Even I've chosen to live life without me. You know the cliche, you're in a room full of people and you feel really alone, well I feel like I'm in this body of mine but have divulged completely from the body controlled by it. I'm living in a mental tunnel with a far away, unreachable light.
Anyway, I've packed now. It is gonna be amazing, I know it will, I just NEED to be there, I'm sick of the waiting, the preparation, the constant justification of my movements. My life is about to start. Its just a bit of a mind blower thats all.
Reading over what I've written, I don't want you to worry, that was what the Phoebe of Saturday experienced, Monday's Phoebe is over that.
Just went to see a play about a Northern Soul nightclub during the 70s, wish I had that much passion for the things I admire in life. I've always idolised the people who place so much importance on music that it leads them towards happiness but also desipised them when this hunger led them to poserness and elitism. I could never be one of those people as I havn't got that obsessive nature. I've lost my passion for football, have neglected my musical loves, i love cinema and art and literature but never to the point where my opinion is worth anything. I really don't know if thats good or bad. People say that I'm a nice person but is that enough if I don't have any convictions or joys to speak of and illuminate life for others?
Actually, I am presently listening to a mini disc that I have created for my trip, it is so glorious I could cry. But I wont because somehow its hard to shake off the detachment from emotion. It is good that I'm perfectly stable though, a good friend of mine once wrote that on a piece of paper, I'm not sure if she'll remember but I hope so. [my mum found the piece of paper on Saturday, she laughed, I smiled with all of my soul]
I've cut my hair. It's shorter and very practical.
It's so hard choosing music to enlighten my soul when the choices will dominate the next 6 months. Why I didn't start preparing sooner I will never know.
Ok, fininshing this will be hard. Perhaps I will end with the words of a certain ex-heartbreaker of mine.....
'just wanted 2let u know its not goodbye, everythime i hearpaint it black, or watch spinal tap i think of u. U affected my life in a good way. Au revoir'
Spinal tap?!
It's as if I'm the Virgin Mary after she'd found out she was preggers. Told by an Angel for God's sake [the pun was spontaneously intentional, boyo boy will you miss my wit].
Anyway, I've spent the weekend openly resently my family, detached from their henpicking but not enough to shower thme with words or irritation and anger. I even feel detached from myself. I may be leaving everyone but it feels as if their doing the opposite and have chosen to live life without me. Even I've chosen to live life without me. You know the cliche, you're in a room full of people and you feel really alone, well I feel like I'm in this body of mine but have divulged completely from the body controlled by it. I'm living in a mental tunnel with a far away, unreachable light.
Anyway, I've packed now. It is gonna be amazing, I know it will, I just NEED to be there, I'm sick of the waiting, the preparation, the constant justification of my movements. My life is about to start. Its just a bit of a mind blower thats all.
Reading over what I've written, I don't want you to worry, that was what the Phoebe of Saturday experienced, Monday's Phoebe is over that.
Just went to see a play about a Northern Soul nightclub during the 70s, wish I had that much passion for the things I admire in life. I've always idolised the people who place so much importance on music that it leads them towards happiness but also desipised them when this hunger led them to poserness and elitism. I could never be one of those people as I havn't got that obsessive nature. I've lost my passion for football, have neglected my musical loves, i love cinema and art and literature but never to the point where my opinion is worth anything. I really don't know if thats good or bad. People say that I'm a nice person but is that enough if I don't have any convictions or joys to speak of and illuminate life for others?
Actually, I am presently listening to a mini disc that I have created for my trip, it is so glorious I could cry. But I wont because somehow its hard to shake off the detachment from emotion. It is good that I'm perfectly stable though, a good friend of mine once wrote that on a piece of paper, I'm not sure if she'll remember but I hope so. [my mum found the piece of paper on Saturday, she laughed, I smiled with all of my soul]
I've cut my hair. It's shorter and very practical.
It's so hard choosing music to enlighten my soul when the choices will dominate the next 6 months. Why I didn't start preparing sooner I will never know.
Ok, fininshing this will be hard. Perhaps I will end with the words of a certain ex-heartbreaker of mine.....
'just wanted 2let u know its not goodbye, everythime i hearpaint it black, or watch spinal tap i think of u. U affected my life in a good way. Au revoir'
Spinal tap?!
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