Saturday, February 28, 2004
oh and Catch 22 is undoubtedly my favourite book of all time.
feeling strange, my head is supplies me with an endless tyrade of all the things I should have done when I had the chance. I'm such a square.
A dream about 2 weeks ago...............Brad Pitt in the form of the character he is in Twelve Monkeys [ie not very nice, mad psychopath] is my boyfreind but I dont really want him to be but cant be bothered changing the situation. This is odd as although I find Brad Pitt incredibly attractive, I am not driven to tears by the fact I will never meet him, see him, touch him etc as I am with Jonny Depp. Anyway, we are sat watching my freind's band The Chase but only Scotty and Len are playing. They are on a kind of primary school stage or one found in a village hall. Everyone is sat on the folor sporadically, sat beside us facing the opposite direction and therefore in my line of vision is my ultimate potential husband, Beck. Brad embarrasess me and I feel like pleading with Beck that this man is no indication of my worth and should not be judged by the fact that he is my boyfreind who I dont want.
A recurrent dream, actually its more of a sensation than a dream, is that a Russian man with a big swidly mushtache enters our room and night and stealsd our stuff but Im too tired to stop him adn alert my freind. Once I was transported to my home in England and my Mum had been stolen by the Russian man to contribute to the body of the robotic man accompanying the tresspasser whilst my dad was locked in an unexistent cupboard under the stairs which was little more than a serving hatch. My brother and I had to feign ignorance and not let on that we were aware of their crimes to save our father and ourselves.
Everywhere I go I am distressed by the following:
extreme poverty. People see me and expect me to give them money when I havnt got any spare and resent the fact that I am seen as the dominant source of money and not the corrupt Government that should be helping people outby actually distributing the money that is received through tourism ins tead of pocketing it or giving it to oil companies. I know I shouldn't be so terrible to shun people less fortunate than myself but what difference can I really make in the long run? I hate the fact that I am seen as a walking dollar bill but as a forienger its true that I am relativley wealthy to Cambodians.
travelling lovebirds. Theres nothing I want more than to be part of such a couple, to gaze into my loved-one's eyes at every opportunity and share the experience along with a wonderful relationship. I wish i wasnt so difficult. i am destined to die alone.
sweat. its too hot and i feel and look a state.
bellyache.
the fact I have a big fuckoff backpack to lug about which contains clothes i despise with all my being.
not being able to choose how my food is created so its exactly how i want it. i ask for cheese on toast and get sliced cheese in a warm baguette.
all of my comfort foods are things i wouldnt eat at home but fatty greasy burgers etc that make me fat.
thats it for moaning for now, haivng a lovely time!
xxx
A dream about 2 weeks ago...............Brad Pitt in the form of the character he is in Twelve Monkeys [ie not very nice, mad psychopath] is my boyfreind but I dont really want him to be but cant be bothered changing the situation. This is odd as although I find Brad Pitt incredibly attractive, I am not driven to tears by the fact I will never meet him, see him, touch him etc as I am with Jonny Depp. Anyway, we are sat watching my freind's band The Chase but only Scotty and Len are playing. They are on a kind of primary school stage or one found in a village hall. Everyone is sat on the folor sporadically, sat beside us facing the opposite direction and therefore in my line of vision is my ultimate potential husband, Beck. Brad embarrasess me and I feel like pleading with Beck that this man is no indication of my worth and should not be judged by the fact that he is my boyfreind who I dont want.
A recurrent dream, actually its more of a sensation than a dream, is that a Russian man with a big swidly mushtache enters our room and night and stealsd our stuff but Im too tired to stop him adn alert my freind. Once I was transported to my home in England and my Mum had been stolen by the Russian man to contribute to the body of the robotic man accompanying the tresspasser whilst my dad was locked in an unexistent cupboard under the stairs which was little more than a serving hatch. My brother and I had to feign ignorance and not let on that we were aware of their crimes to save our father and ourselves.
Everywhere I go I am distressed by the following:
extreme poverty. People see me and expect me to give them money when I havnt got any spare and resent the fact that I am seen as the dominant source of money and not the corrupt Government that should be helping people outby actually distributing the money that is received through tourism ins tead of pocketing it or giving it to oil companies. I know I shouldn't be so terrible to shun people less fortunate than myself but what difference can I really make in the long run? I hate the fact that I am seen as a walking dollar bill but as a forienger its true that I am relativley wealthy to Cambodians.
travelling lovebirds. Theres nothing I want more than to be part of such a couple, to gaze into my loved-one's eyes at every opportunity and share the experience along with a wonderful relationship. I wish i wasnt so difficult. i am destined to die alone.
sweat. its too hot and i feel and look a state.
bellyache.
the fact I have a big fuckoff backpack to lug about which contains clothes i despise with all my being.
not being able to choose how my food is created so its exactly how i want it. i ask for cheese on toast and get sliced cheese in a warm baguette.
all of my comfort foods are things i wouldnt eat at home but fatty greasy burgers etc that make me fat.
thats it for moaning for now, haivng a lovely time!
xxx
Tuesday, February 10, 2004
i just wanted to write about my belly. it is round, obtrusive, forever probing the air in front of me, unrelentless yet strangely comforting. i quite like havin a round big belly at the moment. gives me a sense of belonging.
walking aroundbare foot is better than sneezing.
walking aroundbare foot is better than sneezing.
have to be quick but.....
spent four days on a beautiful island where i met a white french rastafarian who called himslef 'rasta' and me 'sista', had my leg grabbed by a monkey, listened to a group of Thais at kareoke whilst eating my tea, saw two deadly snakes, walked for 8 km up grade 1 slopes, had deep conversations with an israeli, a belgian, 2 swedes, 2 Nords and 2 brazillians, all in English and watched my friend mistakenly set fire to a cushion whilst under the influence of the powers of rum.
spent four days on a beautiful island where i met a white french rastafarian who called himslef 'rasta' and me 'sista', had my leg grabbed by a monkey, listened to a group of Thais at kareoke whilst eating my tea, saw two deadly snakes, walked for 8 km up grade 1 slopes, had deep conversations with an israeli, a belgian, 2 swedes, 2 Nords and 2 brazillians, all in English and watched my friend mistakenly set fire to a cushion whilst under the influence of the powers of rum.
Thursday, February 05, 2004
well hello!
do u know when ur with someone who you may not know very well or find it hard to talk to and there are silences of the awkward variety and you construct possible conversation points in your head before you voice them? i took a 5 and a half bus journey today and in my head i constructed a thousand and one conversations regarding things that genuinely puzzled me but somehow had no need to voice any of the points cos my head arranged the possible responses and debated them out. was quite strange to not rely on any other for such matters as conversation. perhaps i am now a self sufficient human being.
i must say i am a quite content human being. for the first time in ages life just seems to make sense. i dont mean life in the mortality sense but in day to day matters. there is no question that every step, every move every experience and thought i have or make is entirely neccessary and beneficial. i am altogether a together girl.
this website has been added to a spirituallity website, something like www.insight_.com, i'll add the address to my links. ive been put under the spirituality/soulmates section. dont really know wha to make of that or why they wanted to add me at all. if you've seen 'punch drunk love' you may understand my worry.
theres a pain in my chest from eating crisps i dint really want but bought cso i liked the idea of eating them. its so strange that here, on the other side of the world to my birthplace i feel entirely detached from the pressures of our society yet somehow feel pushed into making a purchase and consuming crisps.
love u all, thank u so much for keepin in touch wiv me. cudnt hav dun wivout it.
xxxx
do u know when ur with someone who you may not know very well or find it hard to talk to and there are silences of the awkward variety and you construct possible conversation points in your head before you voice them? i took a 5 and a half bus journey today and in my head i constructed a thousand and one conversations regarding things that genuinely puzzled me but somehow had no need to voice any of the points cos my head arranged the possible responses and debated them out. was quite strange to not rely on any other for such matters as conversation. perhaps i am now a self sufficient human being.
i must say i am a quite content human being. for the first time in ages life just seems to make sense. i dont mean life in the mortality sense but in day to day matters. there is no question that every step, every move every experience and thought i have or make is entirely neccessary and beneficial. i am altogether a together girl.
this website has been added to a spirituallity website, something like www.insight_.com, i'll add the address to my links. ive been put under the spirituality/soulmates section. dont really know wha to make of that or why they wanted to add me at all. if you've seen 'punch drunk love' you may understand my worry.
theres a pain in my chest from eating crisps i dint really want but bought cso i liked the idea of eating them. its so strange that here, on the other side of the world to my birthplace i feel entirely detached from the pressures of our society yet somehow feel pushed into making a purchase and consuming crisps.
love u all, thank u so much for keepin in touch wiv me. cudnt hav dun wivout it.
xxxx
